Morton Malaise

Another gem from Big Daddy Drew:

That’s the thing Robert Frost never mentioned. Sometimes the road less traveled is just as shitty and miserable as the one everyone else decided to take. Sometimes trying to be all smart and independent ends up fucking you raw.

I just want to make a few points about Fratgate 2008 in the form of hypotheticals.

- If I poked a cop in the arm while babbling on belligerently, I would be thrown to the ground and handcuffed, perhaps even Tasered. I would then be charged with assaulting an officer and have to spend lots of money to get the case thrown out.

- If I went on to private property and was repeatedly asked to leave, I would be arrested for trespassing.

- If I called a cop a jerk, he would certainly find a reason to arrest me or ticket me for SOMETHING. This is an equal opportunity truth. Black, white, male, female, rich, poor, doesn’t matter. If you act like a douche nozzle to a cop, they’re going to treat you like a douche nozzle.

- If I lived in a neighborhood where my home was surrounded by fraternity houses, I would fully expect the noise to continue well into the night and often be unreasonable. If this bothered me, I would not buy a home surrounded by fraternity houses. Or I would shut my windows.

- If I received a pamphlet from my neighborhood Gesta…er, Association threatening to videotape my property and harass people who are not committing a crime, I would immediately contact the ACLU. I would also contact the Daily Show. They love a good civil liberties story.

- If I were the president of Sigma Nu, I would put a gag order on all brothers and pledges. Every time one of them opens their mouth, something stupid comes out and they look worse and worse in the public eye. Especially the douche that called Peoria a “just another, tired, dirty, run-down factory town”. You can verbally bash the councilpersons, but listen to me and listen to me well, you snotty, elitist, frosted-tip-having, Hollister-boxer-wearing, BMW-3-series driving, personal-responsibility-legislating, tax-coffer draining Chicago assclown-You shut your God damn mouth about our town. You don’t like it, move back to your hammer-and-sickle douchebag factory on Lake Michigan.

GOOD DAY, SIR!

For anyone who is curious, the new header is a picture of the fire at Morton Welding on May 3rd, 2007. Shortly after I took this picture, the fire reached the propane tank storage cabinet and I watched a tank soar about 100 feet over my head and 200 yards behind me. That’s when they made us leave.

Often times I tell people about the comedic brilliance that is Kissing Suzy Kolber. Among the jewels today is this excerpt from the Meast of the Week entry. CC is listing a few of the things that pissed him off this week:

When I’m driving in the center lane of a highway, and people pass on the right even though the left lane is clear. Fuck you.

- Sarah Palin’s voice. Jesus Christ. Every time I hear her stupid cunty accent I want to cave in a retarded baby’s head with a brick.

- Sometimes I’ll walk my dog, and some bitchy mommy will pull her two-year-old back and be like, “Connor! Watch out, it’s a dog!” Yeah, a domesticated dog that’s better behaved than your little fuck trophy. Who’s destined to become gay, by the way.

Contracts. Why do I have to print something out and fax it? Do you have any idea how hard that is for someone who works from home? You think they worried about this stuff in the Middle Ages? No. People just PayPal’d each other for whatever services were rendered. Like, chain mail repair and wench rental and stuff.

- Motorcycles. Do you ride a motorcycle? Guess what, you’re an asshole.

From an email I sent to PI regarding Bradley and the city of Peoria:

I don’t know…It just pisses me off when the PJS and the City Council vilify the Bradley student body and make it sound like they’re a scourge on the Peoria community. If it weren’t for Bradley, a lot of businesses in this town would never exist. The money those kids spend and the tax revenue they generate are a boon for Peoria. Every city with a significant 18-25 population deals with
these problems. If they spent as much newspaper space on the fucking crackheads down the hill from Bradley as they do on the students, no one would want to live here. It’s easier to blame those “damn rich Chicago brats”.

Oh yeah, and if Ms. Van Auken wants to yell at those damn kids for being on her lawn and making all that dern tootin’ noise, she probably shouldn’t do it when she’s drunk. If [some] woman came
storming up my stairs all wasted, I would’ve called the cops on her for trespassing before I said one word to her.

PI felt it would make good post. I agreed.

Just a quick heads up about a suspicious e-mail that showed up in my inbox a few hours ago. Consider yourself warned:

SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

DEAR AMERICAN:
I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON

Due to a required trip to the bustling metropolis of Ripley, Tennessee, for a meeting with a customer, I will most regretably be unable to attend the upcoming Blogger Bash on September 30th. This is an especially hard pill to swallow since I’m the one who helped plan it several weeks ago. I hope you all have a wonderful time. To give you an idea of just how bustling the metropolis of Ripley, Tennessee is, they have one bar. The name? “The Bar”. No, I’m not kidding. You can’t make this shit up.

CoC’s spend a lot of time, money, and energy trying to establish a good reputation for their town. Especially a community like Canton, which most Central Illinoisans know as a nice town with nice people. Unfortunately, to everyone in the rest of the country, any part of Illinois not in Chicago is backwoods inbreds. I’m certain this article in Deadspin will really help. Congratulations, Canton. Home of the Midget Tits. Wait…Isn’t there football team called the Little Giants? Too easy. Too. Fucking. Easy.

Thanks to Deadspin for this letter from the Dean of Students to the student body of Auburn University. This should be fun.

Dear Auburn Student,
I wanted to remind each of you about the importance of your support for our team and displaying character this weekend when L.S.U. fans and other guests arrive this weekend. First, please join me by agreeing to demonstrate your support for, and not criticism of, our football team. That means no booing! Remember, the team isn’t trying to lose the game—the players work hard all spring and during fall camp to be ready to compete in the S.E.C. Let’s show our appreciation for their hard work by encouraging them with loads enthusiasm! Secondly, help me show the world what I get to experience everyday: that Auburn men and women are special, dedicated, loyal, fun loving, bleed orange and blue, are compassionate, and demonstrate good will to others, even our competitors.

ESPN Game Day will be in town this weekend and we need everyone to come out and show them how much we support our team. Let’s show Chris Fowler, Kirk Hebstreit, Lee Corso and Desmond Howard true fan support and loyalty for Auburn!

The nation will be watching the next two weeks (ESPN, CBS next week), and lets remember to have a great time, enjoy the weekend’s activities, watch our language and behavior, and display class, taste, and character in everything we do. I have every confidence you will.

War Eagle!!

Dr. Johnny Green, ‘85
Office of the Dean of
Students
Suite 3248
Auburn University Student Center
Auburn Univ., AL 36849
Phone: 334-844-1304
greenjr@auburn.edu

99.9 the Stage was the last semblance of good FM music programming in Peoria. The music ranged from John Mayer to the Talking Heads to the Kooks. I seem to remember the programming director opening up to the people of Peoria and asking what they wanted on the station, and the people responded with a pretty firm answer. Keep the diverse playlist.

I’ve been listening to Sirius 95% of the time for the last couple of weeks, so I didn’t even know that 99.9 had switched formats. All of a sudden, I switch to FM, and I hear Paralyzer on 99.9. I figure, OK, fine, we’re all sick to tears of this song, but whatever. Then they go to a station sweeper. 99.9 the Buzz, the New Rock Alternative. Wha-huh? Don’t we already have 2 shitty modern rock stations in Peoria? They’re not really taking up more of the dial with rock 2-20 years old, are they? On my favorite radio station? This shit is fucking tragic. Thank God I got satellite radio when I did. I don’t know if I can handle another station fellating itself because it just started playing the Foo Fighters song that got released 10 months ago. I’m sure Dave Grohl will be happy to add another fuckface programming director to the line of douchebags waiting to suck his formulaic alt-rock cock. And don’t forget to ask for a reacharound, you assclown.