June 5, 2007
Things I am sick of hearing about from the girls in my office:
1.) The menstrual cycle. This includes all discussion of sanitary products used specifically during “Aunt Flo’s visit.” (Yes, they do refer to it in this manner. I find it a bit appaling.)
2.) How bloated you are because you are premenstrual.
3.) How many Weight Watchers points EVERY FUCKING THING YOU EAT is. Seriously, does everyone in the office really give two fucks if a god damn Peanut Butter M and M is half a point? I sure as fuck don’t!
4.) What your granddaughter did after she had a margarita at her aunt’s house.
5.) The cute (yet incredibly pretentious and really quite rude) thing your daughter did/said/wrote last night.
6.) What you’re having for lunch. As a corollary to this, do not say “Pizza, huh?” when you walk into the lunch room and I am eating pizza. I know what it is, and you know what it is. I don’t see myself dressing a piece of veal up like a slice of pizza anytime soon. This also applies to the time when I walk in the front door in the morning. It’s pizza in the morning, it’s pizza at lunch. It’s not Cinderella’s pumpkin.
7.) Your Nazi Amway-ish candle/tupperware/jewelry party.
8.) The color of the fluid coming up from your sick relative’s lung.
9.) This is a personal favorite. If I say no thank you, I mean I DO NOT WANT TO BUY A CANDY BAR/MAGAZINE/BAG OF SOUP/PLEDGE CARD FOR YOUR CHILD’S FUNDRAISER. Showing me what everyone else got is not going to make me feel guilty enough to buy something. If I get hungry, I might buy a candy bar later. If you push me, I WILL be rude to you. Get over it.
Also, I do not want any emails that include the following things: Why men are stupid, kittens, scantily clad men, videos of cats doing kooky things (AKA things they do because they are fuzzy, smelly wastes of life), anything involving the war, Amber Alerts, jokes more than a paragraph long, chain letters for free money, stupid urban legends that are easily dispelled if you do 12 seconds of research, or home remedies for bug bites/the clap/pink eye.
That is all.
June 5th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
You had me up until the part where you bashed the kitty video going around the internet, I like that one
June 6th, 2007 at 5:32 am
Amen! And can we please add on that if you send more than a couple e-mail forwards (like 10-15!) a day, you are contributing to spam and should be charged accordingly.
Thank you for my morning chuckle. It’s nice to know I am not alone.
June 6th, 2007 at 8:44 am
If I get another stupid “don’t by gas on xxx date” my head is going to explode. Or any email that begins “this really works”
July 31st, 2007 at 7:21 am
YES! We don’t work at the same place, but they all say the same stupid crap everyday everywhere.
You should get a piece of veal, wrap it in pizza, and when they say “pizza”, pull out the veal and say “Yoink!” and throw the pizza and say “It’s veal BEATCH!”
That would be so cool.