July 31, 2007
She got these eyes.
She got these eyes that shoot across sarcasm and make a laugh and a smile that make a man lose himself.
She roll across the world like she got nothing to lose.
She stand for herself like she ain’t missed nothin’ ’cause she got a kiss that stands on two feet to make a man shake.
She got this skin that makes a man wonder why he ain’t found her sooner.
She smiles like she knows, and she moves with this perfect humility.
She got these eyes.
July 30, 2007
Reasons “mentally unstable” (read batshit) pantless guy may have jumped in the river:
- Free shower!
- Sounded like fun at the time.
- Being attacked by a swarm of Africanized bees.
- Those kooky Bradley kids threw his pants in the river, and thought it was hilarious!
- REALLY wanted to go to Texas Roadhouse, couldn’t figure out how to get back up to that damn bridge.
- Completely batshit crazy.
July 26, 2007
It has come to my attention that the Morton Chamber of Commerce has cancelled the Punkin Chuckin contest this year. This is unacceptable. I ask everyone to join me in pleading with the Chamber to reverse their terrible, terrible decision. I feel that cancelling the Punkin Chuckin contest will be disastrous for the booming tourism industry in Morton. First it’s the contest, then the Pumpkin Festival, then that nifty store on Main Street that puts peoples names on ceramic pumpkins, then the fields of rotting pumpkin corpses that make Morton smell like dog shit for 2 months, and next thing you know, Cat and Libby’s move out, and Morton turns into another Canton. What is the Chamber of Commerce to do?? I have a few humble suggestions to make more people attend the rite of Fall as old as time, because time started in 2001 when I moved here:
- Sell alcohol.
- Moving targets, preferably Star Trucking semis. This is completely unrelated to the 53′ Star truck that drove down Lakeland Ave in the middle of the night last night, rattling my windows.
- Point the trebuchets at each other.
- Set the pumpkins on fire before launching them, then coat the field in flash paper.
- Cash prizes, courtesy of Soderstrom Dermatology.
- Full color 8X10 glossy photos of YOUR car being smashed by a pumpkin! Only $30!!
- Corn dogs. Meat on a stick always brings a crowd.
- Live radio remote by 102.3 Max FM with those kooky Miller Lite girls! They’re so crazy!!!
- DO IT WHEN IT’S NOT 40 DEGREES OUT.
- Serve beer.
The Chamber can do with this information what it will, but be warned, your decision will determine the economic well-being of our fine community for years to come.
July 25, 2007
You should still read this.
July 23, 2007
Some from the car show on 7/14, and the pictures from volleyball on Sunday will be up this evening. Enjoy! Or don’t. Whatever.
July 23, 2007
I felt brain matter melting away as this was taking place. And people wonder why this place drives me nuts….
“I really don’t like olives.â€
“Oh, I like olives, but I like pickles more.â€
“Yeah, me too. I LOVE pickles.â€
“I like pickles wrapped in lunch meat with cream cheese.â€
“That sounds good. I’ll have to get that recipe from you.â€
July 20, 2007
There’s a stupid survey going around MySpace right now called “You or your girlfriend”. Basically, people are supposed to say whether they or their significant other holds an advantage in certain categories. My good friend Max decided to complete said survey from the perspective of a bear or a robot. This is hilarious, and if you don’t think so, I don’t like you.
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So apparently you’re supposed to answer this survey with yourself and “your significant other”, but that would be waaay too easy… I like a challenge. For those of you that know me, enjoy. If you don’t know me, don’t be afraid…
~ Max.
– BEAR OR ROBOT –
1. Who eats more?
Bear. Bear is a ravenous beast with insatiable hunger. He eats everything from picnic necessities, to smaller forest critters, to people. Especially people. Robot does not need food, he opperates on a steady intake of old people’s medicine and terror.
2. Who said “I love you” first?
Robot. I mean, let’s not be silly here, Bear can’t talk. And although, yes, those words are in Robot’s speech programming, they would never be uttered in that succession under any circumstance. However, should you replace “love” with another word, say “kill”, then Robot would still easily win, but on a far grander margin.
3. Who weighs more?
This one goes to Bear, but it’s a tuffy… Bear is smaller than Robot, and can weigh upwards of fourteen tons. Robot, on the other hand, is made out of massive amounts of metal, but it’s space age metal which is lighter and better suited for crafting sharp claws and bullets. Robot is capable of crushing boulders with his feet, but I don’t think this is a weight issue, it’s a testament to Robot’s sheer power.
4. Who sings better?
Robot. Bear just growls and roars a lot. Which could be misconstrued as singing I suppose…probally by others bears mostly. Robot is built with plenty of beeping and buzzing functions, but is incapable of coordinating those sounds into anything that does not result in human suffering.
5. Who’s Older?
Bear. Robot was just built in a factory off the coast of New Jersey a few days ago. Bear has been ruthlessly killing things for years. It’s a good thing that time doesn’t teach savagery, or Bear would be an unstoppable menace!
6. Who’s smarter?
Robot. His Automatic Inteligence is no match for Bear’s natural animal instinct. Robot can do multiplication problems, Bear can not.
7. Who’s temper is worse?
Bear. Robot only has two settings: off and kill. Bear is capable of flying off the handle at any given moment, and his killing sprees can run the gamut from simple horror to appocalyptic rage.
8. Who’s feet are bigger?
Robot. Robot is capable of stepping on a car or buggy, and not even noticing. Bear’s feet are big as your face, but that’s not big enough here..
9. Who’s hair is longer?
Bear. Although, Robot could cover himself in hair if that would help him destroy humanity better.
10. Who’s better with the computer?
Robot. Bear can’t eat computer…
11. Who drives when you are together?
Robot. Bear has no thumbs. Oddly enough though, Bear can change a tire better… Who knew?
12. Who pays when you go out ?
Robot. When short on cash Robot can just kill someone and lift their wallet. Bear would just kill them and savage their corpse.
13. Who’s the most stubborn?
Robot. When someone escapes up a tree, Bear must finally sleep. Robot on the other hand could just blow up tree after tree until there were no more trees. Then he would move on to office buildings and churches and orphanariums… Long story short, Robot does not need to sleep. Just more old people’s medicine for fuel.
14. Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
Bear. Robot is incapable of flaws. He must follow protocol. So, by default, Bear takes this round.
15. Who’s parents do you see more?
Bear. Bear’s mother is on display in a zoo in San Francisco, while his father is stuffed and mounted near the entrance of an Applebee’s in Nebraska. Robot killed his creators when he escaped from the warehouse.
17. Who kissed who first?
Robot kissed Bear. Robot is programmed for romance, and all other human emotions. Therefore, Robot is the more romantic of the two. Bear nibbled at Robot’s neck soon after that first kiss, but finding no meat, he quickly lost interest.
18. Who asked who out?
Robot asked Bear out. In all honesty, it was all just a trick to lure Bear away from his natural habitat so that Robot could kill all the humans in the forest.
19. Who’s more sensitive?
Robot. Robot is programmed to understand all human emotion, and exploit it. Bear is a heartless beast who won’t stop killing even if he’s missing a limb or taken a hatchet to the face.
20. Who’s taller?
Robot. He towers over buildings, while Bear just towers over hunters and SUVs. If Robot finds an obstacle that is taller than him, he builds a bigger Robot.
21. Who has more friends?
Neither Bear or Robot has friends. Robot blew his friends and builders up in order to test his weapons system. Bear ate his friends because he was hungry. Friends are delicious.
22. Who has more siblings?
Bear. Robot has no family, and shares no emotion. Though Bear must father offspring, he usually ends up eating them due to his voracious appetite.
23. Who wears the pants in the relationship?
Robot. He assimilated the pants technology upon learning of its importance. Since then, Robot has painted a pair of pants on himself in order to better blend in with human culture. Pants are just packaging for meat in Bear’s eyes.
July 20, 2007
Tonight, it looks like I might head down to the riverfront for a while to catch Bubblegum Jack and meet up with some friends. After that, it’s pretty much up in the air. With the weather expected to be so nice (Around 55 degrees), somewhere outdoors has to be in the forecast; probably Martini’s or Old Chicago downtown.
Saturday, I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. If anyone has any ideas that DON’T involve drinking Old Style, PBR, or Busch, please let me know. there’s a tenant appreciation thing at my apartment complex that I’ve obliged myself to attend. With enough alcohol lubrication, it could very well be a good time. It starts art 4, so I doubt I’ll be there all night. It’s starting to look like a night at the Winchester. Anyone up for that, comment or give me a call.
Sunday, it appears we have our first good volleyball game of the summer planned, FINALLY. All are welcome, but please bring your own beer. We are not running a soup kitchen for alcoholics. The plan is to meet at Lake Ossami in Morton around 1 PM, so don’t expect anyone to be there until after 2. The lake is plenty warm for swimming, so dress appropriately. I’m really keeping my fingers crossed in hopes this actually happens, but you won’t catch me holding my breath.
For those who don’t know, there will be a Blogger Bash at Donnelly’s in Peoria at 7 PM on Tuesday, July 31st. Yes, it’s a school night. Suck it up. I didn’t go to sleep before midnight this week until Thursday, and I’m still breathing. As I understand it, if you’re travelling west on Glen (away from the river, towards War Dr), Renwood (the street on which Donnelly’s is found) is the last street on the right before you hit War Drive. I am planning on attending this time, so get your drinkin’ boots on!!
July 17, 2007
In addition to the general rules that apply for all drinking, found here, there are a few additional guidelines to follow while at the Winchester.
1.) Don’t even think about asking them to change the channel of the TV the Tigers game is on. Seriously. It’s not a good idea.
2.) The table by the Golden Tee machine and dartboard is for people playing Golden Tee and darts. It is not for 20 teenagers chugging free soda refills for three hours.
3.) Tip the servers. Tip the servers. TIP THE SERVERS!
4.) If you move from the bar to the table, tip the bartender or close your check out. He/she will NOT get a share of the tip when you pay your tab at the table.
5.) Do not vomit or defecate in the urinals.
6.) Do not spit on the plastic in front of the TVs over the urinals. Your mucus contributes nothing to the ESPNEWS broadcast.
7.) If I don’t know you, don’t offer me the food you haven’t eaten.
8.) My keys, my phone, my cigarettes, and my beer are sitting directly in front of my chair. If you come into the bar while I am in the bathroom, do not sit in my seat. Use your fucking head.
9.) EVAN!!!!!
10.) There is only one wall outlet in the bar area. Please be considerate of other patrons when choosing a table. For example, if you don’t need an outlet, DON’T SIT AT THE ONLY TWO TABLES THAT CAN REACH THE DAMN OUTLET.
11.) Don’t root for Ohio State. Ever.
12.) Don’t go all-in every hand. Nobody likes That Guy.
July 17, 2007
Warning:Politically incorrect humor ahead. If you don’t like it, change the channel.
Actual conversation at Webb’s in Washburn on Saturday afternoon:
“He came home all drunk, got out of the truck, and his leg fell off.”
“What, like he had a fake leg?”
“Nono, his real leg. It was all rotted and smelly, and it just fell off. His wife had to pick it up and put it in the trunk of the car so she could drive him to the hospital.”
“Fuck that. After I stopped gagging, I’d just call a damn ambulance. I don’t know anyone that loves someone enough to pick up their gangrenous leg that has just fallen off in the driveway.”
“Sure would make driving a stick shift tricky.”
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