Morton Malaise

Dear Flagger Guy,
It is 510 PM. You are just south of Proctor Hospital on Knoxville. Please DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE LIGHT AT PROCTOR TURNS GREEN TO PUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING STOP SIGN OUT IN FRONT OF THE SEMI THREE VEHICLES IN FRONT OF ME! Traffic has now backed up through the light because of the fuckfaces that pull into an intersection even though there is NO ROOM on the other side for their Tahoe. Oh, but by all means, turn the sign back to “slow” once the light turns red, so the 2 cars that cleared the light can go, but make sure you turn it back to “Stop” as soon as the light turns green. Please repeat this 6 times so I sit at the light in front of the God damn hospital for 15 minutes. Thanks ever so.

Yeah, I clocked it. 15 minutes. Probably around 8 light cycles. Know what I did as soon as I got through the light? Every batch of green-vested traffic jamming pricks I drove by, I honked my horn and flicked them off. It made me feel much better. I yelled some four-letter unpleasantries at stop/slow sign guy.

This construction is completely out of hand. Knoxville, University, Pioneer Parkway, all at the same time. Is anyone as excited as I am about the time when the Knoxville construction gets to the War Drive intersection? I think I’ll take a leave of absence from work for a few weeks. The idea of the drive down Knoxville from the Parkway to 74 taking an hour and a half just doesn’t excite me much at all. While it will be very nice to get down Knoxville without bruising my ass for the first time ever once all this is done, I wish they could work on it at a different time than University. IDOT can kiss my fat pale ass.

Let’s take a trip, you and me. A little trip down a stretch of I-74 between Morton and the 474 interchange. We’ll go west at about 66 miles an hour. It’s rush hour, around 740 in the morning. All of a sudden, during our nice, relaxing drive, a giant cardboard box appears in the middle of the lane in front of us. I swerve to avoid it, then attempt to swerve back into my lane to avoid hitting the nice man in the middle lane over my right shoulder. The car begins to fishtail, and eventually does a complete clockwise 180 across all three lanes of traffic. It straightens out facing traffic just in time to see the Chevy Cobalt bearing down on the front of the car, tires billowing smoke from hard braking. It’s not enough braking. The Cobalt hits the front of the car, reversing the spin from clockwise to counterclockwise, and the back end of my Focus makes contact with the other side of the Cobalt’s front bumper. The car comes to a stop facing the correct direction in the right lane.

Welcome to my Wednesday morning. And yes, both the girl in the Cobalt (though she was crying because she was scared to death) and I are absolutely fine. I may have hurt my wrist cranking the wheel while I was trying to correct the fishtail, but that’s about it.

Update: Come to find out, I don’t have rental coverage on my insurance. I never had it before I turned 25 because it was unbelievably expensive, and even though I turned 25 over two years ago, we never bothered to put it on my policy. It’s $10 every 6 months. DOH! The Hertz at the Mark Twain has a deal with State Farm, so if I absolutely have to rent a car, it will only be $25/day instead of $60. I’ve got family members everywhere with extra cars, so I should be fine.

Update #2: Good news! My car will be drivable as soon as Troy at 150 Autobody puts a new tie rod in today. The old one got bent during the wreck. Sooo, I don’t have to worry about getting a rental or borrowing a car or getting rides! Hooray! Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, the estimate is already over $3000, and he hasn’t even pulled the bumper and fender off to see the damage underneath yet.

Time for all the good boys and girls to run home and lock their doors, because the weekend has arrived. I am nursing a particularly nasty case of hangover/sleep deprivation today, so I will be taking a 45-60 minute nap when I get home. A certain young lady kept me up into the wee hours this morning and woke me rather early this morning so I could get home in time to get ready for work. I’m not sure what time I went to sleep, but I know I was up at 630, which is just fucking ridiculous. Anywho, after my nap, my evening is pretty much wide open. If anyone is doing anything, let me know. If nothing else, I’ll probably head to the Winchester and try to get in a couple rounds of Golden Tee. My game has fallen seriously behind that of the guys I play with, so I nead the practice.

Saturday I’ve been asked to help my mother with some miscellaneous yard work at my Grandma’s house, but that shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours. The Illinois-Michigan football game doesn’t start until 7 PM, so I have plenty of time to get good and loaded before the game. I am in a bit of a quandry about what team I’m rooting for. Illinois was never expected to do this well, and they still have an off chance at a Big Ten title if they win this game and OSU loses to Michigan on November 17th. However, I have been a fan of the Maize and Blue since I’m five years old, and they have a much better chance at a Big Ten title now that Illinois choked against the Iowa Hawkeyes *snicker*. Michigan it shall be. Hail to the Victors.

As has become customary, I will be at the Winchester at some point Sunday afternoon for the skins game. Hopefully, it will go better than last week when I lost $22. I didn’t win a single hole, and paid out $4 for great point bonuses. Ouch.

I can’t wait to take a nap.

A certain blogger I know ran into Matt Crusen, the bar manager at Bar Louie, as well as Travis, the regional manager for Bar Louie, last night at an establishment he is known to frequent. Travis is not happy with the Peoria blogger community, and particularly displeased with Chef Kevin. Same said blogger invited Travis to the Blogger Bash on October 30th to state his case. Travis seems to agree with said certain blogger that Matt Crusen will be able to turn the service record of Bar Louie around. Anyone who has been there in the 3-4 weeks that Matt has been there should certainly agree. So, Chef Kevin and others (this blogger included), prepare yourself in case Travis and Matt show up at Donnelly’s on October 30th.

OK, so has anyone heard for sure where the Blogger Bash is to be held? I still vote for Buffalo Wild Wings. In East Peoria. It’s Countdown night! And Wing Tuesday!

I have iGoogle set up on my machine at work. It’s this deal Google has where you can personalize the main page with news headlines, weather, quotes,etc. I have a “Quotes of the Day” panel. The first quote for today is by F. Scott Fitzgerald: “In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o’clock in the morning, day after day.” Hrmph.

Me: “Hey, did you guys know, on this date in 1975, the first episode of Saturday Night Live aired?

Response: “That’s not possible! Today’s not Saturday!”

True story. People are awesome.

Another weekend has come, and not a moment too soon. Tonight I’ll probably get warmed up at the Winchester for a couple of hours, then I’m headed to Christie’s in Washington. JMP is doing some deal there, so Angie and Rob will be out there with Joey D from 102.3. At the stroke of midnight, it will be Joey’s birthday, so it’s sure to be a helluva time.

Whenever I wake up Saturday, I’m going to Beth’s for a couple of hours before the Cub game starts. I don’t think I need to tell anyone where I’ll be for that. The Cubs are going to win. It’s just. That. Simple. I’m sure by the end of the game I’ll be a little tipsy, so we may end up staying at there for the night..

The plans for Sunday hinge largely on the playoff picture. However, I’m sure we’ll have a skins tournament on the Golden Tee 2008 machine at the Winchester. This is the third week for it, and we’re hoping to make it something of a tradition. Turnout has been around 6 players and 6 or 8 spectators the last couple of weeks. If anyone is interested, let me know how to get in touch with you and I’ll give you the start time when I find out. It’s $1 a hole, and if any of the players tie for best score on a hole, the pot rolls over. It makes for some exciting pots. Last week Max took a $24 pot on the 8th hole because two guys kept tying.

Anyway, that’s this weekend in a nutshell. As always, all plans are subject to change without notice or reason.

Hey Phil-
YOU HIGH FIVIN’ MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Dearly Beloved Cubs,
I know you’re scared. I know you feel like you should play like you did in May and not like you did in July and August. I know your ace pitcher has a terrible temper. I know you couldn’t bring a RISP home if you put home plate on top of second base. But please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t get swept in the first round of the playoffs. You ripped my guts out the whole second half of the year, and thank GOD Milwaukee choked late. Just because you backed into the playoffs doesn’t mean you have to give up in the Division Series.

99 fucking years. Please. Don’t get swept. PLEASE. NLCS, fine. World Series, I can deal with. Not the NLDS. Please.

Jesus Christ on a pogo stick. What the fuck was that?!?!?