Morton Malaise

Please do not sneeze on yourself and then grab my bags of food with your dirty hands. Also, try to be a little bit MORE of a bitch when you serve your customers. You chose Avanti’s, not me. If you don’t like it, go work at Panera. Sneeze on some fucking paninis or something. Not my delicious Gondola.

AND THAT IS NOT FUCKING MAYONNAISE IT’S FUCKING MIRACLE WHIP AND IT’S FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!! How many people have to complain about the gross-ass generic Miracle Whip at Avanti’s before they get real mayo? Same to you, La Gondola!!! MAYONNAISE!!! NOW!!!!

And another thing! I don’t know what you people are putting in the grease and burger concoction you call a “pasta sauce” over there, but I have yet to meet one person- NOT ONE- whose ass doesn’t turn into a garden hose when they eat it. I don’t know where you get your tomatoes, but I get the feeling they come in a white jug that says “Metamucil” or “Saline Solution” on the side. Joke’s over. Stop it.

And really, does a quasi-Italian restaurant REALLY NEED a scrolling marquee? Really? Are there revue shows on alternating nights of the week? Do you have a delicious ice cream flavor of the day like Culver’s? No? Then no lighted sign for you. Plus, Fondulac Bank has one. Share theirs. It’s a win-win for everybody.

By the way, the gondolas are delicious. Keep up the good work.

Seriously, this is the Most. Horrifying. PSA. Ever. Hat tip to Deadspin. Incidentally, my comment is about the 4th one down, under the name “Kodak”.

So much has happened I hardly know where to begin. B and I celebrated our 3 month anniversary a week and a half ago, she met the whole family at the same time on Thanksgiving, my computer is extremely sick, and I’m not feeling much better.

The three month wasn’t a big deal. I actually think we stayed in and had lots of…uh…pizza. We mostly talked about how nervous we were about Thanksgiving. It was a huge deal to me because I had never brought a girlfriend to any holiday with the family. I was a wreck.

The dad’s side was in Metamora at 1 on Thursday. We arrived a bit early, because I severely overestimated the travel time between Moss Ave. and Metamora. I thought it would be close to 45 minutes, and it was only 25. It’s probably a good thing. She had enough time to meet my grandmother and a few of my cousins when the rest of the family (around 35 people) pulled up at the EXACT SAME TIME. Grandma introduced her to everybody, one by one, explaining who was who. “This is my sister Phil. Her kids are Mike and Mark. Their kids are Ann, Leslie, Spencer, and Carter. Cory is her great-nephew.” You get the idea. The fact that she remembered the names of more than 3 people amazed me. We ate, played a bit of Catch Phrase (aside: If the answer is “Hoedown”, a wholesome Christian family probably isn’t going to pick up the first half of the word if you say “A slang term for a prostitute.”), then headed off to Morton for 4 PM dinner at Mom’s side.

It’s important to know that my dad’s side and mom’s side are like night and day. My dad’s side of the family is wholesome, hardly ever uses foul language, and don’t smoke or drink. My mother’s side enjoy the alcohol and cigarettes, and even my grandmother drops an f-bomb every once in a while. As in “Cory, you little fucker!”

This being said, Mom’s side was a blast. We got there around 4 and left around 10, with quite a few beers and VO and Sprites during the night. My aunt W got completely blasted and was quite amusing to B. Aunt K called her “Curly” and kept playing with her hair.

Everyone on both sides of the family really liked her, which I was sure would be the case. My main concern was that Beth would think my family to be a bunch of weirdos and be totally turned off by me because of it. But, I guess when it comes down to it, every family has to have a few quirks. Otherwise they wouldn’t call them “families”.

…have been greatly exaggerated. However, due to severe viral problems with my home computer and less severe problems with my immune system over the past few days, I have been unable to write for quite some time. I will try to make time at lunch today for an entry about the completely whacked out dreams I had last night. One of them involved an Illinois State Police officer riding a winged black horse dragging me by my shirt to Downtown Peoria. It gets even weirder. More later.

A while back, I wrote a post about a chance meeting I had with Matt Crusen and Travis from Bar Louie. When I signed on today, I found this rather interesting blurb in que for comment moderation:

Hey guys and gals, my name is Matt Crusen, some of you know me others may not. Regardless I am now managing Bar Louie in Peoria. Just a little FYI Travis is no longer with the company, for that matter nor is any of the staff that was there prior to me taking over in early October. I want you all to know that I was very skeptical about taking this job because I too had terrible service out there. I see it as a challenge. this being said I may or may not see you at Bar Louie.

Now, I suppose we can all take this however we want. Personally, I think Matt genuinely wants to turn people’s opinions of Bar Louie around. He’s served me drinks from behind the bar at Crusen’s on Farmington for many years, and there’s no one out there that can hustle behind a bar like Matt. If he can get his staff behind him, I really think they’ve got a shot. Whaddya say- Can Bar Louie play in Peoria again? (You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to jam that cliche into my blog. I can now die in peace.)

My friend Andrea made the statement yesterday during the Colts-Patriots NFL-Sports Press Quarterback Cocksucking Festival that Max and I have officially run out of things to talk about, so now we’re just making stuff up and doing everything in our power to annoy people who don’t know us and amuse those who do. Among the things we screamed at the televisions yesterday at the Winchester:

“MAKE HIS HEAD BLEED!!”- For those that don’t know, this is a reference to the movie “Swingers”, when Jon Favreau asked Vince Vaughn to make Wayne Gretzky’s head bleed on the Sega NHL game.

“YOU GOTTA PUT A BODY ON THAT GUY!!!”- This statement was made every time anyone broke a play longer than 5 yards, OR when a defensive player made a sack or tackle for a loss.

“PENALTY- TOUCHING TOM BRADY, ON THE DEFENSE. 50 YARD PENALTY AND FREE 10 POINTS FOR THE PATRIOTS. STILL SECOND DOWN!”- A reference to Tom Brady’s untouchable status. There were also many comments made about his hair and pretty face. Use your imagination.

“YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT BALL!!!”- This was to be yelled only when it made no sense, such as during a running play or kickoff.

“BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!!!”- Can be yelled at any time. Just fucking hilarious.

All of this was interspersed with really bad jokes, mostly involving dead babies and animals walking into bars. “You can’t just leave that lyin’ there!” “It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

I also called the Patriots cheaters about 45330653 times. Because they are.