As of January 1st, I am no longer allowed to smoke in certain pieces of private property because of a public health risk. In accordance with this line of thinking, I ask that lawmakers ban the following from all workplaces and restaurants:

-Aerosol containers

-People with any communicable disease, including the flu and common cold. 36,000 people die of influenza every year. It’s not fair to put people’s lives at risk because some Walking Petrie Dish of Death wants a Santa Fe Chicken Salad.

-Metal fasteners

-Paint or varnish

-Alcohol, known to impair judgement and reaction times. They tried that? Really?

-Fluorescent lighting, which is an eye irritant.

-Spicy foods, which can cause irritation in the mouth, and in some cases, death.

-Hot liquids, including coffee and tea, due to risk of burning or discomfort.

-Cold liquids, which are proven to cause hypothermia

-Pork, chicken, and beef, all of which are known carriers of parasites.

-Air conditioning

-Loud noises. Prolonged exposure to high levels of noise can cause hearing loss.

-Windows, which can be mistaken for open space, causing a person to walk into them. This creates an unnecessary risk of bodily harm.

-Stairs and unlevel flooring. We have to keep people from tripping or stubbing their toes.

-Customers. Letting people go anywhere is asking for trouble.

Please urge your local representative to support these crucial measures so we can all dine in safety. Staying out of places with these safety risks is not an option, as people have no free will and are forced to dine alongside those who don’t care about their own welfare.