Morton Malaise

I don’t like Winter. I think I have made this abundantly clear to anyone who will listen. This winter has been particularly difficult, and I would like Mr. Frost to know all the grief he has caused me.

1.) You owe me a 17X7 5-spoke aluminum wheel for a 2003 SVT Focus, you assclown. Because of your snow and ice, plows turned War Drive into Swiss cheese. When I think of fun things to do in the snow after midnight, I don’t really think of laying in it in the dark, putting a spare tire on my car when I’m half crocked. By the way, a new wheel is $450, a reconditioned wheel is $225, and a wheel from a salvage yard in good condition is $150 plus shipping from upstate New York.

2.) Ice and snow are slippery.

3.) I have to smoke outside. This is a new thing this year, and, well, I don’t like it. However, it does give me an opportunity to litter. I’m always up for some littering. There’s really nothing quite so beautiful as a sidewalk covered in wet cigarette butts.

4.) The fan in my heater is extremely loud. The droning noise takes away from the sound of the stereo.

While the winter does have certain advantages, such as not having to mow grass, the disadvantages far outweigh them. Just a couple more months. I can do this. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

4.)

We are now 51 days into the new year, and I find myself getting accustomed to smoking outside. When I leave for the bar, I just have to remember to grab my heavy coat to put on over my long sleeve shirt and hoodie when I step outside. It has definitely made me cut way back on my smoking. Before the 1st of the year, I didn’t dare walk into a bar with less than 18 cigarettes. Now, I might smoke 6 all night. I’m sure this will change when the weather turns warmer, but it’s nice for now.

Now, a la TV Guide, my Cheers and Jeers for restaurants and smokers.

CHEERS to Buffalo Wild Wings in Peoria for putting heaters and a cover on their patio. It makes smoking a far less miserable experience.

JEERS to Buffalo Wild Wings in East Peoria for turning on the Delay of Game penalty on the Golden Tee machine. Trying to rotate smoke breaks so no one gets penalized is a giant pain in the ass.

CHEERS to TnT’s for the smoking lounge in the parking lot. Troy, in his uncanny foresight and cleverness, bought a PODS trailer, carpeted it, put a bar in it, hung a plasma TV, installed a smoke eater, bought some space heaters, and decorated the walls, and voila! A comfy place to smoke for all of the TnT’s faithful. There’s no alcohol allowed out the door, and there are no employees, so it’s perfectly legal.

JEERS to the Illinois Legislature. While I am becoming accustomed to smoking outside, it takes nothing away from the fact that people’s rights are being taken away.

CHEERS to the guy who sent a letter to the PJS calling the Civic Center out. Unmuffled, un-emission controlled monster trucks belching smoke into a closed arena is fine, but don’t you dare smoke in the entryways!

Apparently, some strange man named Dick Holloway is now in charge of my blog. Who knew?

Can anyone fill me in on the details of this changeover? Are my email addresses going to change domain names? Are rates going up? Will I have to set up a new news server? The message on the television tells me that I should see something in the mail, but I’ve seen nothing.

So far this month, the following things have happened to me, in no particular order-

Hit a pothole on War Dr, bending my left front rim and forcing me to position the jack while lying in the snow.

Girlfriend broke up with me.

Chain came off the lawn tractor tire, which forced me to shovel a large part of a very large driveway by hand with a shitty shovel.

Dog I was watching had diarrhea on the carpet, which then dried stuck to the carpet, effectively ruining carpet.

The Red Wings have lost 3 in a row.

Two consecutive Golden Tee rounds over par.

It’s really cold.

Thank God it’s only 29 days.

Well, the chain on the drive tire of the tractor, which provides the only thing close to traction, came off about 5 minutes into plowing the driveway. I promptly got the tractor stuck on the incline, and it took me about 20 minutes to get it back up the drive. Alas, I had to shovel a VERY large section of driveway by hand. After all that work, and all of the snow had melted, it snowed again on Wednesday. Of course it did. So, once again, I had to plow the top, level part of the driveway with the tractor, and do the final 20-30 feet of a 10 to 12 foot wide driveway by hand. I can’t really bend over at all. All this mess really makes me reconsider the idea of ever owning my own home. At my apartment, I wake up in the morning after a good snow, the lot has been plowed and the sidewalks snowblown. I don’t get cold and wet and frostbitten on my feet.

Especially when it’s coating the steep driveway of the house I’m staying in and my car can’t get up the driveway unless I go up it in a zigzag pattern. On the bright side, I DO get to plow the driveway using a lawn tractor with a plow blade on the front. I’m pretty pumped about that. I’m also extremely grateful that my car was parked in a heated garage. From what I’ve seen and been told, I doubt I would’ve been able to get out of the parking lot had I been at home. Morton got a good 2 or 3 inches more snow than northwest Peoria.I fucking hate snow.