Morton Malaise

I hate voicemail. If it weren’t for the concern I have that someone, someday, may actually have something useful to say that can’t wait until I call back, I would turn off my voicemail. The one thing I hate more than the voicemail system itself is the Pointless Message. We all get them, sometimes several [...]

Nonsmokers whine about being forced to go to bars where smoking is allowed. Result: Government bans smoking in private businesses.
Nonsmokers whine about butts on the sidewalk. Result: Government helps pay for receptacles and ashtrays.
Nonsmokers whine about government paying for receptacles. Result: Government stops putting receptacles out and fines people for throwing butts on the ground. [...]

There is no place more lonely
than 1 in the morning
and realizing that
there’s no one to talk to…No place more lonely.
You scan through your
cell phone’s phonebook
Wishing that
You had a friend with who you can speak,
And just dump all these thoughts on,
But there’s no one,
So you pour another 7 And 7,
and another,
Until you fall asleep,
And wish for [...]

We convinced the boss to take the internet block off the CBS March Madness internet broadcast. What a great company! Even if you don’t like college basketball, this is still an exciting time of year. Unfortunately, of the two upsets I picked for the games already completed, neither came through. But as we all know, [...]

Text message from Max at 11:10 this morning:
I wonder if there’s alcohol in my poop cause it sure smells like there’s beer in there.
My friends are awesome.

I immediately thought of Unk when I saw this. Then I thought of the Winchester crew.
Brews
to Accessorize
the Modern Hipster.
BY KEVIN SCHEITRUM
- - - -
I Liked These Guys Before Anybody Else Knew About Them English Bitter
Boys Don’t CrIPA
Oh Fuck My Rent Check Didn’t Come in the Mail Bock
Fixed-Gear Bicycleweisse
Essentially Empty Yet Always [...]

The bad day Jen had at the orthodontist reminded me of a story that people seem to find amusing, especially those who know me well. Through most of my high school years, I had braces. I got rid of them at age 17, and immediately got retainers top and bottom. One weekend during some heavy [...]

Looks like the Darling of the Chicago Dems and all their tree-hugging socialist friends is in jeopardy of being overturned by a silly piece of paper. What silly piece of paper, you ask? Oh, what’s that thing called…I can never remember. Oh yeah! THE CONSTITUTION! It seems that when Illinois passed the law, they completely [...]

I have been collecting a list of songs I want to download when I hear them on Shoutcast alternative rock stations, as well as Ethel and Lucy on XM Radio. These are in no particular order. I will do several of these entries as the list is rather long. Please comment at your leisure.
Modern [...]