Morton Malaise

I hate voicemail. If it weren’t for the concern I have that someone, someday, may actually have something useful to say that can’t wait until I call back, I would turn off my voicemail. The one thing I hate more than the voicemail system itself is the Pointless Message. We all get them, sometimes several a day. Let’s say I’m in the bathroom, having a nice BM. My phone rings in the other room. Being that I’m not finished with what I came to do, I say to myself, “Self, you should probably check your phone when you get done pooping to see who called.” See, EVERY CELL PHONE IN THE FUCKING FREE WORLD has caller ID. When I check my phone, I find to my chagrin that I have a voicemail. After going through the whole tedious process of checking the voicemail, this is what I hear: “Hey man, it’s _______. Just calling to say what’s up. Later.” Wow. That’s 45 seconds of my life I’ll NEVER get back. All because this person doesn’t think I know how to use THE FUCKING CALLER ID ON MY CELL PHONE TO DETERMINE THAT THEY HAVE CALLED! Oh, and leaving a voicemail, contrary to popular belief, does NOT obligate me to call back. Almost without fail, if the Pointless Message is not returned because I’m so irritated that the Pointless Message was left in the first place, a phone call will come an hour later from Pointless Message Leaver asking “Did you get my message?” My answer, of course, is, “Yes, I got your message. Please don’t leave the Pointless Message ever again.”

I see in the very near future several Pointless Messages from my friends who read this blog, because they’re all so fucking hilarious. Please don’t. I’m asking nicely. This means you, Brando.

Nonsmokers whine about being forced to go to bars where smoking is allowed. Result: Government bans smoking in private businesses.

Nonsmokers whine about butts on the sidewalk. Result: Government helps pay for receptacles and ashtrays.

Nonsmokers whine about government paying for receptacles. Result: Government stops putting receptacles out and fines people for throwing butts on the ground. Smokers begin throwing butts in garbage cans.

Nonsmokers whine about garbage cans catching on fire. Result: Taxes are raised to hire more firefighters.

Nonsmokers whine about increased taxes. Result: Smokers kill all of the stupid whiny-ass nonsmokers and go back to smoking wherever the fuck they want.

There is no place more lonely
than 1 in the morning
and realizing that
there’s no one to talk to…No place more lonely.
You scan through your
cell phone’s phonebook
Wishing that
You had a friend with who you can speak,
And just dump all these thoughts on,

But there’s no one,
So you pour another 7 And 7,
and another,
Until you fall asleep,
And wish for the next day when the
Headache

Brings another weekend before
Another week of
Winter.

We convinced the boss to take the internet block off the CBS March Madness internet broadcast. What a great company! Even if you don’t like college basketball, this is still an exciting time of year. Unfortunately, of the two upsets I picked for the games already completed, neither came through. But as we all know, the only thing more boring than listening to someone talk about their Fantasy Baseball team is listening to someone talk about who they picked in their NCAA bracket, so I’ll leave it at that. But damn, I love March Madness!

Oh, and if I have to hear that Miller Lite commercial with the song “Jailbreak” one more time, I’m probably going to switch back to Bud Light. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Text message from Max at 11:10 this morning:

I wonder if there’s alcohol in my poop cause it sure smells like there’s beer in there.

My friends are awesome.

I immediately thought of Unk when I saw this. Then I thought of the Winchester crew.

Brews
to Accessorize
the Modern Hipster.
BY KEVIN SCHEITRUM

- – - -

I Liked These Guys Before Anybody Else Knew About Them English Bitter

Boys Don’t CrIPA

Oh Fuck My Rent Check Didn’t Come in the Mail Bock

Fixed-Gear Bicycleweisse

Essentially Empty Yet Always Present Messenger Baggleywine

Almost Stout of the Closet

All My Friends Are White Ale

So What If I Messed Up Your Starbucks Order Porter

Rummage Sale Pale Ale

I Don’t Really Like This but I’m Drinking It to Get Back at My Parents and/or Friends With an Overt and Crass Display of Being Cultured Lambic

I Am Entirely Fucking Done With Society Because It Is Run by Corrupt and Criminally Exploitative Man-Machines Who Don’t Give One Shit for Anyone or Anything Except for Money and Power Light Lager

Sleeping Pillsner

The bad day Jen had at the orthodontist reminded me of a story that people seem to find amusing, especially those who know me well. Through most of my high school years, I had braces. I got rid of them at age 17, and immediately got retainers top and bottom. One weekend during some heavy imbibing in my dorm room at UCF, I started feeling a bit nauseous. This was a common occurrence between the ages of 17 and 22 for me, so there was no call for panic.

I went to the bathroom, knelt on the floor, removed my hoodie (can’t have the hangie string things getting puke on them, or my hood falling over my head while I’m wretching), and vomit up a delightful stew of partially digested Papa John’s pizza, Jungle Juice, Goldschlager (yes, you could see the gold flakes), and a little bit of stomach acid. I then stood up and flushed the toilet. As soon as I flushed, I realized the pressure of the vomit had forced my retainers from my mouth directly into the toilet.

Unfortunately, this was no normal toilet. This was the Gaping Mouth of Hell Toilet. Anyone who’s ever stayed in a crappy hotel knows what I’m talking about. You don’t dare flush while sitting on it, for fear that your intestines could be ripped from your body by the suction.

The instant I hit the handle to flush the toilet, as if to taunt me with my own stupidity, the lower retainer swirled upward in the bowl and the bathroom light reflected off the metal bar. At this point, two things came out of my mouth that were not vomit. They were the words, “Fuck me!”

A couple of weeks later, my roommate and I decided to go to my place for the weekend. After 2 and a half hours in the car, we arrived at my place in Royal Palm. Before I even had a chance to start the laundry I had brought home, my mom asked, “Where’s your retainer?” At this point, my roommate and I shot each other a very quick, barely noticeable glance. She then said, “I swear to God, if you puked those damn retainers out I’m gonna beat your ass!” When my roommate and I stopped laughing because my Mom upset is the funniest damn thing in the world to me, even to this day, I told her she was right, and asked her how she knew. She gave me the classic Mom answer, “Moms just know these things.” Needless to say, I never replaced my retainers. The last thing I wanted was to puke another pair out, so I figured I’d cut my losses and take my chances without them.

Looks like the Darling of the Chicago Dems and all their tree-hugging socialist friends is in jeopardy of being overturned by a silly piece of paper. What silly piece of paper, you ask? Oh, what’s that thing called…I can never remember. Oh yeah! THE CONSTITUTION! It seems that when Illinois passed the law, they completely forgot that there are certain specifics and details that need to be written into said law. If they’re not, the whole thing can get repealed on technicality. To paraphrase a quote in the PJS, the legislature passed a press release instead of a law. I’ll be following this story very closely. If the law gets overturned, I’ll be blowing smoke in a lot of pretentious socialist faces.

In all seriousness, I get the feeling that if the law is overturned, a lot of the larger sports bars (TnT’s, BWW, Old Chicago, etc.), in addition to the standard chains such as Applebee’s and Chili’s, will maintain their smoke-free policies on a private basis. I have absolutely no problem with this. The decision should have been left in the hands of the businesses in the first place. Furthermore, I have no problem going outside a restaurant to smoke. Even as a smoker, I find the smell of smoke while I’m eating repulsive. During college, there was a strict “No smoking at the table until everyone is done eating” rule, and it worked quite well. Since the 1st of the year, my smoking brethren and I have adjusted to life as pariahs. It just means wearing an extra coat to the bar when it’s cold. When it’s warm, we’ll just sit outside. The ones that are really getting hurt by the law are the smaller bars with a strong clientele of regulars who smoke, such as the Cooler, Whitey’s, the Office, Stagger Inn, etc. By some estimates, these places have lost 2/3 of their regular business, and many are in danger of going under. I know the owners of these bars will be more than happy to see the ban repealed.

I have been collecting a list of songs I want to download when I hear them on Shoutcast alternative rock stations, as well as Ethel and Lucy on XM Radio. These are in no particular order. I will do several of these entries as the list is rather long. Please comment at your leisure.

Modern Day Zero- Sick Inside
Audiovent- The Energy
Dark New Day- Brother
No Address- When I’m Gone
Toad the Wet Sprocket- Whatever I Fear
Toad the Wet Sprocket- Fall Down
Chalk Farm- Wonder
Meat Puppets- Backwater
Taproot- Calling
Oleander- Are You There?
Oleander- Why I’m Here
Trapt- Waiting
8 Stops 7- Question Everything
Placebo- Pure Morning
Sevendust- Black
LoPro- Walk Away
Default- I Can’t Win
Thousand Foot Krutch- Absolute
Stone Roses- Love Spreads
Second Coming- Soft

Some of these songs are really tough to remember because their radio run was very short, if they made it to alt-rock radio at all. I know for a fact that many of the songs were never heard on the radio in the Midwest. This list does NOT include songs I already own. So, if anyone out there happens to have any or all of these songs on mp3, and you just happen to burn them to a CD, and it just happens to get dropped right next to my front door, I would be greatly appreciative, and I would be happy to return it after 24 hours.