The bad day Jen had at the orthodontist reminded me of a story that people seem to find amusing, especially those who know me well. Through most of my high school years, I had braces. I got rid of them at age 17, and immediately got retainers top and bottom. One weekend during some heavy imbibing in my dorm room at UCF, I started feeling a bit nauseous. This was a common occurrence between the ages of 17 and 22 for me, so there was no call for panic.

I went to the bathroom, knelt on the floor, removed my hoodie (can’t have the hangie string things getting puke on them, or my hood falling over my head while I’m wretching), and vomit up a delightful stew of partially digested Papa John’s pizza, Jungle Juice, Goldschlager (yes, you could see the gold flakes), and a little bit of stomach acid. I then stood up and flushed the toilet. As soon as I flushed, I realized the pressure of the vomit had forced my retainers from my mouth directly into the toilet.

Unfortunately, this was no normal toilet. This was the Gaping Mouth of Hell Toilet. Anyone who’s ever stayed in a crappy hotel knows what I’m talking about. You don’t dare flush while sitting on it, for fear that your intestines could be ripped from your body by the suction.

The instant I hit the handle to flush the toilet, as if to taunt me with my own stupidity, the lower retainer swirled upward in the bowl and the bathroom light reflected off the metal bar. At this point, two things came out of my mouth that were not vomit. They were the words, “Fuck me!”

A couple of weeks later, my roommate and I decided to go to my place for the weekend. After 2 and a half hours in the car, we arrived at my place in Royal Palm. Before I even had a chance to start the laundry I had brought home, my mom asked, “Where’s your retainer?” At this point, my roommate and I shot each other a very quick, barely noticeable glance. She then said, “I swear to God, if you puked those damn retainers out I’m gonna beat your ass!” When my roommate and I stopped laughing because my Mom upset is the funniest damn thing in the world to me, even to this day, I told her she was right, and asked her how she knew. She gave me the classic Mom answer, “Moms just know these things.” Needless to say, I never replaced my retainers. The last thing I wanted was to puke another pair out, so I figured I’d cut my losses and take my chances without them.