I hate voicemail. If it weren’t for the concern I have that someone, someday, may actually have something useful to say that can’t wait until I call back, I would turn off my voicemail. The one thing I hate more than the voicemail system itself is the Pointless Message. We all get them, sometimes several a day. Let’s say I’m in the bathroom, having a nice BM. My phone rings in the other room. Being that I’m not finished with what I came to do, I say to myself, “Self, you should probably check your phone when you get done pooping to see who called.” See, EVERY CELL PHONE IN THE FUCKING FREE WORLD has caller ID. When I check my phone, I find to my chagrin that I have a voicemail. After going through the whole tedious process of checking the voicemail, this is what I hear: “Hey man, it’s _______. Just calling to say what’s up. Later.” Wow. That’s 45 seconds of my life I’ll NEVER get back. All because this person doesn’t think I know how to use THE FUCKING CALLER ID ON MY CELL PHONE TO DETERMINE THAT THEY HAVE CALLED! Oh, and leaving a voicemail, contrary to popular belief, does NOT obligate me to call back. Almost without fail, if the Pointless Message is not returned because I’m so irritated that the Pointless Message was left in the first place, a phone call will come an hour later from Pointless Message Leaver asking “Did you get my message?” My answer, of course, is, “Yes, I got your message. Please don’t leave the Pointless Message ever again.”

I see in the very near future several Pointless Messages from my friends who read this blog, because they’re all so fucking hilarious. Please don’t. I’m asking nicely. This means you, Brando.