Morton Malaise

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me at the Blogger Bash last night, speaking to Billy about the two girls at the end of the bar: “See, I COULD go talk to those girls right now, but they’d be like, ‘This guy’s drunk’, so I’m NOT going to talk to them, because I’d be wasting my time, but then if I’m in here again, and they’re here too, I’ll have something to talk to them about before I get drunk. I can be all like, ‘Hey, you were in here last time I was here, right? Yeah, with the Blogger thing. How funny!’, and it can be a springboard to something better. So see, by not talking to those girls, I’m actually making an investment in the future.”

Seriously, WHAT??!?!

A post over on the Sports Page reminded me of something I’ve wanted to write about for some time. While I enjoy football as much as the next guy, I am NAUSEATED by the coverage during the offseason. Especially since fantasy football started taking off, I’m sick of football by the time the regular season rolls around. The endless speculation, the know-it-all sportscasters that really know shit trying to venture an “educated” guess about how many yards so-and-so will get this year, or who will challenge the Cheatriots, or how many Bengals will get arrested. These guys make all these predictions, and by pure luck alone, one of them will get one thing right, and will then proceed to go ON AND ON about how they’ve been saying this since Day One and how the WWL is all about the sports expertise and has more insight than God and Jesus combined.

When the WWL isn’t occupied fellating themselves and each other, they move on to Tom Brady and the rest of those CHEATING PATRIOT FAHKS. Somewhere in a corner at the Bristol complex,, I’m fairly certain there’s a cardboard cutout of Tom Brady with a Sybian behind it. If any team besides the Patriots, Cowboys, or Giants cheated the way NE has over the past couple of years, they would be made to forfeit their games. But, since the press is in love with the aforementioned teams, they find some way to give them good press by giving them bad press. Much like Manny Ramirez and A-Rod in baseball. This opens a whole different can of worms about East Coast (particulary Northeast Coast) media bias that deserves a post all its own.

Most of all, I’m completely sick of Brett Favre. While I was concerned that continuing to play over the past several years was going to tarnish his legacy, it has been irreparably destroyed by his off-season shenanigans this year. For shame, sir. For shame.

So, while all of America looks forward to standing out in cold weather for 5 hours with 50,000 other retards, flat beer, shitty, overpriced seats at outdated stadiums, and Tom Brady getting his cock sucked, I’ll be watching the World Series, then maybe I’ll think about watching some football from the warmth of a barstool. And no, I don’t want to go to a Bears game in any month after October, and I sure as shit will not be joining anyone’s fucking Fantasy League.

There will be a meet & greet, book reading with Brother John, and signing w/ members of moe.

this Tuesday, July 29th at Barnes & Noble in Peoria!

12:00 – 1:30 PM
You’re invited! Show up early!

Brother John will do a reading from “Tales from the moe.Republic’ at Barnes & Noble in Peoria, IL. Accompanying John will be Rob, Chuck & Al.

Did you know that Chuck drew the cover art?

Barnes & Noble
5001 N Big Hollow Road
Peoria, Illinois 61615
(309) 693-9408

A celebration of competition and human rights is being held in a country notorious for their violations of human rights, including the intellectual enslavement of the entire nation of Tibet. Does anyone else see something wrong with this picture? It’s amazing what a thriving economy can buy you.

We have a very easy to use automatic coffee maker in our office. Next to the very easy to use coffee maker is a very easy to use coffee bean grinder. For some reason, using these very easy to use tools is beyond the grasp of the vast majority of the employees in my building. I have a few simple rules for those people.

I.) If you empty a coffee pot (there are 2), please make another pot of coffee.
II.) If you do not know how to make coffee, learn. Here are a few simple instructions for the painfully easy process of making coffee.
1.) Remove filter holder thingy from coffee machine.
2.) Place old filter and used coffee grounds in garbage. Do not throw away filter holder thingy. If possible, please avoid touching disgusting garbage can with filter holder thingy.
3.)Put new filter in coffee holder thingy.
4.) Slide filter holder thingy into slot in coffee bean grinder machine.
5.) Press start button on coffee bean grinder machine
6.) Remove filter holder thingy from bean grinder machine. You should now have a filter holder thingy with filter and perfect portion of ground coffee beans in your hand. Avoid spilling perfect portion of ground coffee beans.
7.) Slide filter holder thingy containing filter and perfect portion of ground coffee beans into slot in coffee maker.
8.) VERY IMPORTANT: Make sure empty pot is placed on warmer below filter holder thingy, which should now be secured to coffee maker.
9.) Press start button on coffee maker. At this time, filtered water should begin flowing into filter holder thingy and through the perfect portion of ground coffee beans and filter.
10.) Wait 5-10 minutes for coffee to be made by coffee machine.
11.) Pour coffee into coffee mug.
12.) Add cream and sugar to taste. If you must, you may also add powdered hot cocoa mix, you fairy.
13.) Mix.
14.) Drink carefully.

III.) If you refuse to learn to make coffee, you should not be drinking the fucking coffee.

This all seems so simple, doesn’t it? You’d be amazed.

Josh Hamilton is a freaking stud.

And seriously, what the fuck was Erin Andrews wearing? It looked like somebody fucked her with a giant green umbrella, then turned it inside out and pulled it over her nice white blouse. Nothing makes a tall chick with nice boobs look weirder than a waistline strapped to her underwires.

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.
– Bill Vaughan

Since I’ve just hit my “serious post” quota for the year, I thought I’d insert a nice link here to get us back on the proper Morton Malaise path. It’s all about group dinners. Enjoy.

I have a serious moral quandary going on. I recently discovered through the IL Sex Offender Registry that the guy who just moved in above me is considered a sexual predator. Apparently, at the age of 17, he had inappropriate contact with a 7-year-old child. This is reprehensible, disgusting, and many other words I don’t feel like typing. I believe he is now 25. I have two courses of action I can take with this information. I can share it with the entire building by making copies of his page on the website and taping the copies to every door in the building,including the laundry room bulletin board and next to the mailboxes. Or, I could leave it alone. There are pros and cons to both choices.

If I choose to share it with the entire building, the other tenants are almost sure to harass him. I would obviously share the information anonymously for fear of retribution. I can only imagine how many places of residence this guy has been driven from because of his past. The last thing I want is for someone who has changed their life to be badgered into madness by spray paint on their car or nasty phone calls and letters. However, his neighbors directly next door have three children between the ages of 6 and 12.

Perhaps the guy HAS changed his life. Maybe he served his time all those years ago, got the help he needed, and is really making the effort to be a contributing, healthy member of society. I try not to judge people based on a life they’ve left behind. Informing the neighbors, as I said before, is sure to make him a pariah at best and be mercilessly harassed at worst. Judging from the little research I’ve done, he has moved around a bit. From Michigan to Delavan to who-knows-where, and now Morton. The thing that really scares me is this: If something happens to one of the kids in the building, I will feel personally responsible for not informing my neighbors.

This is a really tough issue that I’m facing. Any input you can provide would be greatly helpful and appreciated.