We have a very easy to use automatic coffee maker in our office. Next to the very easy to use coffee maker is a very easy to use coffee bean grinder. For some reason, using these very easy to use tools is beyond the grasp of the vast majority of the employees in my building. I have a few simple rules for those people.

I.) If you empty a coffee pot (there are 2), please make another pot of coffee.
II.) If you do not know how to make coffee, learn. Here are a few simple instructions for the painfully easy process of making coffee.
1.) Remove filter holder thingy from coffee machine.
2.) Place old filter and used coffee grounds in garbage. Do not throw away filter holder thingy. If possible, please avoid touching disgusting garbage can with filter holder thingy.
3.)Put new filter in coffee holder thingy.
4.) Slide filter holder thingy into slot in coffee bean grinder machine.
5.) Press start button on coffee bean grinder machine
6.) Remove filter holder thingy from bean grinder machine. You should now have a filter holder thingy with filter and perfect portion of ground coffee beans in your hand. Avoid spilling perfect portion of ground coffee beans.
7.) Slide filter holder thingy containing filter and perfect portion of ground coffee beans into slot in coffee maker.
8.) VERY IMPORTANT: Make sure empty pot is placed on warmer below filter holder thingy, which should now be secured to coffee maker.
9.) Press start button on coffee maker. At this time, filtered water should begin flowing into filter holder thingy and through the perfect portion of ground coffee beans and filter.
10.) Wait 5-10 minutes for coffee to be made by coffee machine.
11.) Pour coffee into coffee mug.
12.) Add cream and sugar to taste. If you must, you may also add powdered hot cocoa mix, you fairy.
13.) Mix.
14.) Drink carefully.

III.) If you refuse to learn to make coffee, you should not be drinking the fucking coffee.

This all seems so simple, doesn’t it? You’d be amazed.