Morton Malaise

Why the fuck people are so God damn juvenile. IDNKM, this is not about you. I have no beef with you. This is about the anonymous Golden Retrievers commenting on your site. Are you fuckers serious? This is the shit I used to see on BBS’s when I was 13 and had a 2400 baud external modem. Flame wars like this should’ve stayed on ASCII message boards in the 8th grade where they belong. Grow the fuck up. Flam is one of the kindest, most giving, sweetest women I have ever met in my life. Anyone who would launch a personal attack on her has a serious, SERIOUS self-esteem problem and should probably seek psychiatric help with a healthy dose of sharp objects to their genitals.

Rix is notoriously abrasive, but she’s absolutely right when she says:

“…All these “anonymous” comments say far more about the people making them than they do about me…I’ll wear my badge of psycho, intelligence and incoherence with honor, especially considering the source…”

I happen to like Rix, and she was one of the first to support something that has made me very happy, so back the fuck up.

Comments are being shut off on this post because I’m not letting your runny shit on my site. Fucking pussies. Grow some fucking pubes and quit being a bunch of adolescent jizzwallets. This is the last you will hear from me about this. I’m seriously ashamed to call myself a Peoria blogger today.

AND WHERE, PRAY TELL, IS MY HEADER IMAGE, MR. DENNIS?!?!?!?

“We bought a snowblower today, so we did our part to stimulate the economy.”

We’ve all got one and they smell funny.

I figured I’d beat Billy to playing the“7th grade Social Studies Current Events” game.

From the Wall Street Journal online:

Federal agents arrested IL Gov. Rod R Balgojevich and a senior aide on corruption charges, accusing the Democratic governor of trying to sell the Senate seat being vacated by President-elect Barack Obama….

…In exchange for the Illinois seat, federal agents say Mr. Blagojevich is heard seeking a number of arrangements, including a salary for himself at an organization affiliated with labor unions, a cabinet post or ambassadorship for himself, cash or campaign funds, and placing his wife Patti on paid corporate boards…

My two cents: What, you’re surprised? This guy’s been a fuckstick since the first day he was in office. The cockgoblin won’t even live in Springfield. I said to my boss this morning, “You know, Illinois is never going to shake our reputation of dirty politics until we stop electing dirty politicians.”

I received this cordial email this morning from Joe Kosmin of Peoria.com (hyperlink intentionally omitted):

Hi,

I’ve taken your blog out of the Peoria.com feed (although, it’s still in the blogroll / list of local blog links), because of a post not too long ago that had way too many swear words for my filter to keep up with!

It turns a lot of people off of the site, and like I said, my swear filter can’t keep up. Sorry!

–Joe

That’s right. My blog is so profane, a computer swear filter can’t keep up. The best I can figure, the reason it can’t keep up is because I use unconventional cusswords that aren’t listed in filters, like “cumguzzler”, “cockstain”, “assclown”, “jizzbomb”, “cockrider”, “douchenozzle”, and “cockgoblin”. At any rate, I’m shocked it took them this long to take my blog off the feed. I’m not the least bit upset about it. I saw it coming. The Fundies over there don’t take too kindly to those of us who fuck out of wedlock and…what’s that other thing called…oh, that’s right, HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. If I have to guess, I’d say this entry was the straw that broke the camels’ backs. Or their toes. What the fuck ever. It’s quite a proud day for me.

OJ Simpson was sentenced today for stealing shit at gunpoint that he thought was his because he’s a crazy old double-murdering gangrenous sore to 15-18 years in prison, depending on whether you believe ESPN or profootballtalk.com. Good. Fucking piece of shit.

After the Bradley game Saturday night and one drink each at Sullivan’s and the JC:

Cory: So what now?”
B: We should go to the liquor store and get a bottle of booze.
Cory: Yeah! Then we can go to House and get wasted and I won’t have to drive!
(We go to Campustown and get a 5th of E-Dub and a 2 liter of Cola. Back at house, we do a shot each out of the bottle and sit down in the living room to watch Convoy. Yes, Convoy.)
Cory: Hey! Hey Brando! Do a shot!
B: Hang on a second.
Cory: You’re not falling asleep, are you? Because that would really piss me off if I spent the money on this bottle of delicious liquor and you fell asleep and I had to drink the whole thing by myself.
(No response)
Cory: God damnit, get up and do a shot!
B:


(An hour and 15 minutes later)
Cory: Hey little fella! Have a nice nap??!
B: Hey buddy! I sure did! What happened to the E-Dub?
Cory: Well, there’s about two shots left.
B: What happened to the rest?
Cory: I drank it. You were sleeping.
B: Shit.
Cory: And you missed the BEST PART of Convoy, when the news guy interviews all the truckers and they all give their reasons for being in the convoy.
B: Oh yeah?
Cory: Yeah.
B: Huh.

People often ask me where I get the inspiration for the nuggets of sophisticated comedic gold I call a blog. Well, not that often, but sometimes they do. I guess no one really asks, but in case you wanted to know but were afraid to ask, one of the people who inspire me is Big Daddy Drew of Kissing Suzy Kolber, Father Knows Shit, and the Thursday Jamboroo on Deadspin. Yesterday, BDD posted a profanity-laced gem on Kissing Suzy Kolber. To only use the word “fuck” and maybe 20 other words in a blog entry and still convey a thought, one must be truly gifted. I applaud thee, Big Daddy Drew.