Morton Malaise

It is now March and there is not a single headliner scheduled for the riverfront for the ENTIRE SUMMER, according to the website. WTF gives? Not even a Bubblegum Jack or JammSammich show? The mayor of Peoria is a HUGE Hello Dave fan, but I didn’t see them on the schedule either. Summer will be here in a few short months, and I’m a very busy man. Let’s get it together!

UPDATE: I guess before I freak out on the riverfront I should check the PPD website. I guess the riverfront people just haven’t updated their calendar. Fine. Whatever.

I was pooping today during my lunch hour. When I finished pooping, I looked at what I had done and thought to myself, “I wonder what other people’s poop looks like?” We rarely get an opportunity to see the BM’s of other people, and any website that might have pictures of poop is probably pornographic and quite disgusting. We know most people see colors the same way, and we’ve devised charts to prove it. I wonder if someone could publish a poop chart, with pictures of different kinds of poop, and the reasons your poop might be skinny, or light in color, or liquid. Like a DSM IV for bowel movements. I know that I have many, many different kinds of poop. Finding out why that happens from an easy-to-read chart would be fantastic! They would probably have to take the pictures of poop on a dry surface, because the glare of the water in the toilet makes photography difficult. I would like to get such a chart, laminate it, and display it prominently on my living room wall. Everyone deserves to know if they are a healthy pooper.