Morton Malaise

New link in the sidebar to Radio Faction. Jason Ellis is the Future of Talk Radio. Red Dragons.

PLEASE DO NOT BYPASS THE MODERATION QUEUE. THANK YOU.

My life has been changed eternally for the better. I have fallen madly in love with a wonderful, beautiful, sensual woman who, for reasons I try to grasp every day, has fallen madly in love with me. She can look at me from across a room and make my knees buckle. She kisses me and I forget every trouble life throws at me. I wake every morning and see her eyes smiling at me, and I go to sleep every night with her arms around me. She is everything I have ever wanted, and I’m not afraid to say it. I love her.

OK, who is arriving at my blog by searching “Morton Malaise” on Yahoo?

I need to say a few things before I dive into this. Firstly, I am not going to remember every single spice and reduction with which my meal was served, and I can’t reference the menu like SOME PEOPLE because the entree I ate has been removed. Secondly, I feel the company and environment are just as important as the food in a restaurant. Thirdly, it takes a lot of balls to take a free dinner at a decent restaurant and not tip the server. Finally, I’m not good at this. Not at all. Now, moving on.

On March 26th, Peoria-area bloggers were invited to a dinner at Two25, the restaurant now occupying the ground floor of the Mark Twain hotel. Since everything about the food has already been covered by the lovely and talented PH, I don’t find it necessary to go over every detail of the meal. I will say this: A few bites of the salad tasted dirty, like the lettuce had not been cleaned properly. The escargot had a bit too much garlic. The veal was slightly chewy close to the bone, and the bone was slightly splintered at the tip. I don’t expect to pay that kind of money for a piece of veal and have to spit out pieces of bone.

Other than these small gripes, the meal was excellent. The beer list was absolutely outstanding, which is not something I expected to see. The service was the best I’ve ever received in a large group. The waiter, Sam, was extremely attentive without being intrusive. The decorating was tasteful and simple without any hint of pretentiousness.

My complaint about the menu is similar to PH’s. They’re trying too hard to do too many things at once. “Jack of all trades, master of none” is a phrase that immediately came to mind. The menu should be shorter and more focused. Also, they need to work on the desserts. A restaurant in the Heights where I recently dined had similar menu prices with a MUCH better dessert menu.

I suspect Two25 can do well if they pare down the menu a bit, develop some better desserts, and bring the prices in line with the foods they’re serving.

It’s been about a month since I’ve posted. I have a serious case of writer’s block. I owe Two25 a review, I owe the Build the Block people a big Shove Your Fucking Museum Up Your Ass While I Forcefeed You a Dead Whore’s Labia, and I really owe it to myself to write something. I’ll try later when I’m drunk. Fuck.

It is now March and there is not a single headliner scheduled for the riverfront for the ENTIRE SUMMER, according to the website. WTF gives? Not even a Bubblegum Jack or JammSammich show? The mayor of Peoria is a HUGE Hello Dave fan, but I didn’t see them on the schedule either. Summer will be here in a few short months, and I’m a very busy man. Let’s get it together!

UPDATE: I guess before I freak out on the riverfront I should check the PPD website. I guess the riverfront people just haven’t updated their calendar. Fine. Whatever.

I was pooping today during my lunch hour. When I finished pooping, I looked at what I had done and thought to myself, “I wonder what other people’s poop looks like?” We rarely get an opportunity to see the BM’s of other people, and any website that might have pictures of poop is probably pornographic and quite disgusting. We know most people see colors the same way, and we’ve devised charts to prove it. I wonder if someone could publish a poop chart, with pictures of different kinds of poop, and the reasons your poop might be skinny, or light in color, or liquid. Like a DSM IV for bowel movements. I know that I have many, many different kinds of poop. Finding out why that happens from an easy-to-read chart would be fantastic! They would probably have to take the pictures of poop on a dry surface, because the glare of the water in the toilet makes photography difficult. I would like to get such a chart, laminate it, and display it prominently on my living room wall. Everyone deserves to know if they are a healthy pooper.

I was at the Office Tap in Morton the other night when Phil Luciano walked in with some blond woman. They came in, she sat down, and he went to the ATM. Less than a minute later, he approached the bar, said something to the woman, and they both scurried out the door like their heads were on fire and their asses were catching. Did the Looch see something that frightened him? Could it have been the bartender, who is 5′ tall and maybe 90 pounds soaking wet? Was it the group of large, non-native drunk people at the back end of the bar? Did he feel the lighting was unflattering to his figure? Only the Looch knows for sure.

During an email conversation with the lovely and brilliant PH, I sent her a screenshot of several junk emails I received. She suggested that I post only the subjects in the form of a poem. While the form is absolutely horrible, and there’s no syllabic structure to be found, here goes…

Become a big member holder and all will be in order.
The blue pill will save your little friend from death.
You can travel East or West but you’ll stay so manly blessed.
Live a big life of a big man with a big instrument inside your pants.
Now you will have hard rock not only on your CD’s but in your pants as well. (That’s my favorite. It made our office laugh a lot.)
Unleash the power in the sleeping dragon.
Be proud of your biggest achievement that shines in your pants.

Wasn’t that fun?